“Why is she crying so much? She hadn’t even seen the deceased in months. How tactless to express his sorrow so openly! Why can’t he control his anger?” Remarks like these show a lack of understanding and sympathy.
Each individual is different, and each person’s reactions are just as worthy of respect as anyone else’s. Some are more emotional than others. And, of course, the dominant emotion varies depending on the type of relationship the bereaved person had with the deceased. So there are as many possible ways of expressing grief as there are individuals. To help, we must avoid judging them!
Each relationship is unique and thus every bereavement is different. The duration and intensity of the emotions expressed can vary from one individual to another. You must allow the bereaved person to take his own time, even if you believe that you would react differently or that it would be better to react in another way.
You must be patient because a bereaved person may go back over certain facts or certain emotions several times. The bereaved person may also avoid making certain decisions, or might not behave in the way family and friends expect. In other words, just like a tree that needs time and changes of season in order to bear fruit, a bereaved person must be given time to work through each phase of his mourning.
It is easy to suggest that the bereaved person go on to other things, but when sorrow takes over our lives, even if we travel to the far side of the world or try to loose ourselves in a swirl of activity, we cannot shake it. Sorrow needs to be explored and expressed before we can gain release. Crying in itself can soothe pain and make it possible to make room for other emotions.
Tears that are held back tend to increase, so a good grief counsellor encourages the bereaved person to work through his grief. She does not run away when he cries. She is just there. Mourning that is not worked through inevitably returns, so we should encourage the mourner to cry and not deny his suffering!
We never forget someone who was close to us, so we should say, “Remember.” Each relationship is unique and leaves unique traces in our memories. It is utopian to be afraid of forgetting the deceased person or to want to. There will always be something to remind us of the place she occupied in our lives.
Memories pop up: they come and go, leaving room for new experiences that in turn will become part of tomorrow’s memories. Rather than suggesting that they be forgotten, it is better to remember those important moments. Those left behind usually want to talk about the one who has gone. This is not a matter of living in the past, but of recognizing the right to live with the past.
What bereaved person has never heard things like: If you need anything, call me or If I can help, don’t hesitate.
No one! Everyone seems to be offering assistance and yet rarely are the promises actually delivered on. Those who are grieving have many needs, but just have to ask for help can become a greater burden. You should take concrete action rather than just offering assistance. Look after the children, prepare a hot meal, cut the lawn, walk the dog –everyday actions that can become a burden when emotions are in tumult.
So rather than offering assistance and then disappearing, going on as if nothing had happened, support means taking the initiative and acting before being asked!
Each human being has some qualities or similarities that remind us of a loved one. It may be a tiny point of beauty: the shape of someone’s nose or their voice, someone the same age or with the same first name as a loved one, etc. The exercise consists in trying to “connect” to this aspect, that is, spontaneously thinking of the loved one when you enter into a relationship with a person who evokes less compassion. Dwelling on this positive element helps you enter into a harmonious relationship.
Awareness of one’s own imperfections or shortcomings and the acceptance of them as part of one’s being often facilitate acceptance of others. There is a saying that there are no big bad wolves, only unhappy wolves. So when meeting with a bereaved person, take your own experience of suffering and imperfection as a starting point to build a relationship.
We do not “rebuild” our lives: we “build” them only once. It is true that with time, the darkness fades to let in more light. However, the bereaved person is in pain and is having difficulty seeing into the future. She certainly does not want to “rebuild” her life without the deceased. She has to learn to go on with her life – a different kind of life. Trying to give advice here is counterproductive because each individual has to find what makes sense for him or her.